And welcooooome to the BOND BUILDER SERIES!!
Episode 1!!
Let’s get this party started already!!
Today, we’ll be talking about how to create a genuine connection with a family member.
Let’s do this!!
Little introduction…
In coaching, we always focus on what is in our control!
For the simple reason that… It’s much more simple and efficient to do that!!
If you ever tried to “have a serious conversation with someone” or try to change them, often, it’s not working exactly as we want it to, right?
This is why I created this BOND BUILDER SERIES.
I want to empower you to YOU, YOURSELF, change your relationships, make them better, and genuinely connect with these people WITHOUT having to change them!! Imagine, the dream right?!
I just wanted here to mention something small…
I LOVED hearing Darren Hardy talk about this concept. Let me ask you: “What percentage of shared responsibility do you have in making a relationship work?”
Would you say…50/50? 51/49? 80/20 depending on the relationship?
Many people believe that in relationships, both people should do things equally.
Like, ‘I do something for you, and you do something for me.’ They think it’s fair, but sometimes it makes people feel upset. What’s important is that a good relationship doesn’t need someone else to make it work…!
The answer Darren Hardy gives is 100/0. Whaaaat??
He says “you have to be willing to give 100% with zero expectation of receiving anything in return.”
I have a feeling that while listening to this, your brain is building a case having thoughts such as “It’s not right, it depends on how the other people treat you, etc.”
But this concept introduces us to the idea of “taking 100% responsibility for everything we experience.”
Why would we do it?! So that we can change it if we want to! Because it’s much more empowering!
We believe that we are taking responsibility for our life (including our relationships with other people!) BUT still, when you look in the world, you see A LOT of finger-pointing, victimhood, blaming the world and other people and expecting someone to change!!
I want you to try just for a few minutes (I say just a few minutes to try it on like a sweater and if not, you don’t buy into this idea!), to imagine sitting with someone and believing that you are 100% doing your best in this relationship, you don’t have expectations.
What would that look like? How would you be in this moment?
It goes with the idea that you can feel unconditional love for anyone.
Again, you may build a case in your head about how delusional this sounds!
But does it feel better to not like someone, to have conditions for the way they should be, so they can “deserve your love”?
It doesn’t seem like a choice but actually, we can ALWAYS choose to be 100% responsible for our life, our relationships and then, we are not trying to change other people, this sounds quite delusional because you can see for yourself probably that people around you changed when THEY wanted to change, no matter how hard you tried…! 🙂
So… That’s what I wanted to offer you today to start with and to start this series on a fascinating concept!!
I’m offering you to think highly of yourself.
To consider and choose to BE in control, YOU ARE IN CONTROL.
You are in control of your life, your relationships, you decide your vibe, you decide your “smell”, you decide your relationships!
How empowering does that sound?? In my humble opinion, much better and more efficient than trying to change other people… It’s quite ineffective (I find!) and soooo tiring, people are really bad at changing for us and doing what we want them to do, right?! 😉
This was the start of this podcast series!!
Practical tips… Right away!
I believe we all want to get straight to the point and things we can use right away and see the benefit of it, right?
That’s what you’re getting!
I looove being organized and organizing things so I made this organized too!
I’ll be helping you foster meaningful relationships with a family member by talking about 4 things, 4 tips in particular.
To apply it the best way possible, you can think of a “problematic person”, a family member you would LOVE to have a different relationship with, a deeper connection.
So, the first point I want to talk about is:
- Let the past be where it actually is: in the past!
Often, we wish things would have gone differently, that people would have done or behaved a different way…
What if we would make peace with what happened?
I’m not saying we have to LOVE everything that happened but how can you make peace with it?
We always suffer only from what we are thinking (not talking about trauma here…) but we suffer because of the thoughts we keep on believing about our past, about what should have been different with this person.
The way to go here is to simply acknowledge these thoughts when they come up…
They could be “What she told me this day was wrong” or “He should have been a better father…”.
It’s totally fair these thoughts are coming up but it is much more in your control than you think it is as to what to do today when they show up!
You are not the same person today, you can CHOOSE to let these thoughts go.
It’s a practice but you can totally do it, I promise!
Just imagine next time you sit with this person and one this thought is popping up.
Acknowledge it for what it is: just a thought!
Imagine the version of yourself that listens to this thought and shows up in the relationship with this thought and the version of yourself that sees this thought but decides to be in the present moment and show up NOT believing this thought anymore…
Tips #2 and #3!
Tip #2:
- Focus on what you have in common!
Remember: your brain’s job isn’t to make you happy, its job is to KEEP YOU ALIVE!
It’s a predisposition that makes it very active in looking for danger, things that could go wrong, criticizing, judging…
This is why it looks for things you DO NOT like in that person!
When you consider that it’s just a brain mechanism, you then don’t make it mean something about you such as “you are a bad person for thinking this stuff” or you wish you would be more loving, more positive.
We don’t know what we don’t know!
But, this is our chance to override evolution and to DECIDE consciously what we want to focus on.
Something that I maybe should have shared before is this… This family member… You know that you always have the choice to see this person or NOT see them, right?
Maybe you believe that “it’s my uncle, I cannot NOT talk to you”, I’m giving you permission to do whatever you want! You’re an adult, you’re free to do whatever you want.
That being said, I’m offering you this alternative so that you can realize that it is a decision that you make to be in touch with this person, to see them.
And this is for sure one of the most important thing we discover while getting coached: we have much more power over our life than we think we do!
You have the choice there too.
So, let’s consider you still want to see them, what do you two have in common?
What is one thing you can talk about you and this person?
This is amazing to realize!!
It’s all about consciously looking for things that CONNECT us and do not separate us!!
Tip #3:
- Behave like you want them to behave!
We often have something to say about the way this person is.
They talk too much, they judge too much, they don’t talk enough…
No matter what you want this person to do or to behave (or to change!) make sure you do it YOURSELF first!!
This person doesn’t care enough?
How can you care yourself in the first place?
This person talks too much? Or can YOU pay attention (without being obsessive around it!) to how much YOU are talking?
What is really extraordinary is that often, when we pay attention to OUR BEHAVIORS, our thinking (of course!) before wanting to take care of other people’s behaviors, the relationship improves just because of how YOU are showing up.
The final and last tip for today!
If you’ve been around for a while, you know it’s something I share often…
So, this is tip #4:
-
- Ask questions and listen to that person!
Everyone, no exception in my humble opinion, just wants to be seen, heard, and understood.
So, get interested in them!
Ask them questions that you genuinely are interested in knowing the answer!
Ask about something that is important to them, about a time in their life, something fun/sad that happened to them!
To truly bond with someone and I’ll come back to it in the next episodes, the simple way to do it is to talk about personal experiences/stories/feelings.
This is why, when I used to coach on dating, I used to recommend talking about the relationship this person had with one of their parents… Each time, the person feels touched being heard and then, is more willing to open their heart!
It’s not a rule, just my personal experience and opinion! 😉
But going back to the idea of asking questions to this family member, it’s really not asking you for too much effort on your side: simply to genuinely be present, listening to what they are sharing, focusing on what you have in common but here also on what you are interested knowing about that person!
People LOVE sharing about themselves and they feel SO GOOD doing it!
Remember also: people love to be around you not because of anything you’re doing or saying in particular but because of the way they feel!
If they feel seen, heard and understood, they will LOVE your presence and it goes all together like a big bag!
They enjoy, you enjoy, you both have a good time and you both DEEPER that relationship, no doubt about this!!
In summary…
I could talk much more about how to have a deeper connection with a family member!
I would talk about the expectations we have about this family member (how they should behave considering their role!) and also there is a tool that I LOVE that I learned in one of my coaching certifications that is called “the manual” and that says (in big lines) that we all have a manual for how people should behave (and how WE should behave!).
And if they follow our manual, we would feel good!
And just by raising awareness around this manual is SO POWERFUL!
It makes all the sense in the world when we look at one person in particular and… I wanted to keep these episodes short so, let’s keep them short! 🙂
So make sure you think about these 4 tips to improve any relationship you have with a family member and I’ll see your pretty face or your pretty ears tomorrow with the next episode of the series: The Bond Builder Series: Deeply Connect With… a Friend!!
And if you hear all of this and you think that it’s interesting, different from what you’ve heard until today but you’re not sure how to apply it to your specific family member, your life, let me show you the power of coaching! 🙂
You believe the solution to this problematic relationship resides in both of you making an effort… Actually, it’s much easier than that!
Imagine!! Having this deep relationship without having heavy conversations and being more misunderstood?!
To genuinely BOND with this person?
Then book your consultation before the 19th of February to make sure that if we decide to work together, you secure your spot at the current pricing! 🙂
Click below and let’s get this party started!!
