Interested in being in control of your anger?
So you can be sure that no matter what, you’ll be able to have the best behavior/reaction possible?
You’ll feel relaxed and quiet knowing that you can feel anger, but you won’t react the way you did until now.
Let me share with you what has worked for me and for my clients so you too, you can become more in control with your life!
What causes anger?
As you remember my popular post Why Is Self Awareness Important? , being more self-aware is an essential step of any personal development journey.
So, understanding what causes anger is very important too!
We may think that it’s an emotion that we should never feel!
But my opinion is that we should ACCEPT IT in the first place and then, control it so we can have the best reaction and behavior possible.
About the causes of anger, I like how Ann Silver is illustrating the origin of anger with the image of an iceberg:
As you can see, anger is just the tip of the iceberg.
The origins can be various and it can come from other emotions that are themselves, coming from thoughts that you have.
Do you remember the self-coaching model from Brooke Castillo?
So, depending on the thoughts you have, you’re having feelings that if not understood correctly, can turn into anger.
This is the first start of understanding the causes of anger!
Then, let me explain to you the causes more precisely in the next paragraph.
Why anger is amazing!
Basically, we all are trying to have our needs met.
As I always say, when we feel positive emotions, our needs are being met! When we are feeling negative emotions, our needs aren’t being met.
This is the moment when we may feel sad, offended, afraid, and any negative emotions you might have felt in your life until today.
The problem is that we may have heard that we should not feel these emotions, they are bad and bad for us!
When in fact, they are just the signals of what’s going on inside of you!
It’s like when you’re driving your car: a yellow light is turning on to tell you that you need to add some oil for the machine to work perfectly.
So, every emotion you’re feeling is the way for you to be able to read inside of yourself.
What’s going on? Are your needs being fulfilled or are they not?
So this is how it works:
A need isn’t being met -> You have some thoughts about it -> These thoughts create negative emotions -> You may feel anger.
As you can see, anger is the reaction of an emotion that we’re not taking care of! 🙂
I wrote and recorded a whole podcast episode about How To Deal With Your Emotions And Boost Your Self-Confidence, so you can understand how to deal with your emotions and then, with your anger. 🙂
But I really want you to understand that anger isn’t a feeling as bad as we always say it is!
It’s just a way for us to understand what’s going on inside of us and to take care of our feelings!
How to control anger, 10 easy tips to help you at that moment!
1. Take a deep breath.
I know we hear this over and over, but breathing is so important!
So take a deep breath, inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth.
Do this a few times and you’ll see, you’ll already feel better. Keep in mind that this emotion won’t stay! It won’t be there forever! 🙂
2. Go for a walk.
Sometimes, we may say things that we don’t really mean when we are very angry!
Going for a walk can help us not to talk under a lot of emotions.
It’s also helping in giving us a better view and perspective on the situation.
3. Try to be empathetic towards yourself.
Since anger can be the consequence and the sign of a need not being met.
Ask yourself: What need isn’t being met?
And: What do you want instead?
Be action-oriented!
4. Consider what fears you may have.
Anger can also be a fear of something.
Ask yourself: What are you afraid of happening?
What can really happen?
Is it really rational?
Or it’s more the idea of it?
5. Be empathetic towards the other one!
If you feel anger towards someone else, ask yourself: What is this person’s positive intention?
It probably wasn’t to hurt you!
Try to put yourself in their shoes, so you can understand their side too!
At least, you have nothing to lose to try! 🙂
6. Exercise regularly to take this energy out!
This is super important.
Get some exercise, do some kickboxing, get that energy out if you feel like you want to punch someone or something! 🙂
Even just walking a bit can be very powerful and may let you more peaceful and quiet.
7. Meditate!
I know that many people are talking about meditation and if it’s not your “cup of tea”, you may not want to try but…
Even just 3 minutes per day, you can already feel the effects of it.
You will feel more centered, more connected to yourself, and then, you will feel less angry and more able to control your anger and your reactions.
8. Listen to some music!
Just listening to some tunes can really help you at that moment of anger.
Listen to your favorite song, how are you feeling by the end of the song?
9. Sleep more and better!
Again, I know that everyone is talking about this but the effects of a good night’s sleep are HUGE.
Try to go to bed earlier, just one night per week, you might see the difference…!
4 steps to really allow anger in order to feel better!
We actually NEVER learned how to really express this anger!
For us to feel better, it’s sooo important to actually take the time to allow that emotion.
Let me show you how to do it properly in 4 easy steps!
1. What are those thoughts causing you to feel angry?
The very first step is to pay attention to the thoughts creating that anger.
What situation are you in that is creating thoughts of anger?
To find those thoughts, you can ask yourself:
What is annoying me? What is frustrating? What isn’t right here?
Being aware is so important, always!
Like this, you’ll feel more in control of your life. You’ll still be mad, but at least you’ll feel like you can have control over the emotion and not the opposite!
This is the very first step of allowing the emotion of anger.
This is also very helpful when you’re still mad about something that happened a few years ago or someone that told you something and just by thinking of it, you’re still mad!
Close your eyes and put yourself in that situation, so you’ll have the “angry” thoughts and you’ll finally be able to express that anger and let it go and… Feel better! 🙂
2. Describe the emotion!
Befriend with that emotion of anger, turn towards it with compassion, you’re really trying to understand!
Ask yourself: Where is it in your body? Is it strong? Weak? How can you describe how that feels?
3. Be alone and get physical!
The best here is to use a pillow or if you’re in nature, you can use stones and rocks.
The purpose of this step is really to let you EXPRESS that energy behind the emotion of anger.
I really think that it’s an emotion that we can release the best when we punch into some pillow and throw some rocks away.
Also, it’s important to put yourself in the situation that is creating that anger, when you have these thoughts that make you angry!
It’s always a great idea to do some kickboxing, etc., but to express the emotion of anger related to a specific situation of your life and to literally SET YOURSELF FREE from that exact anger, the best is to think of that situation that is annoying, that is frustrating you!
If you don’t have a pillow or stones handy, be creative and think of the best way for you to express that anger physically, and not against someone else! 🙂
4. When the energy dropped, take a few breaths and be compassionate.
If you went through step 3, you’ll probably feel like you don’t have the energy anymore and you should already feel a bit better, relieved, that you have “released” that anger.
At that moment, take a few breaths to relax and restore a bit of peace inside of you.
Then and this is an important step, don’t be too hard on yourself.
I really believe that in today’s society, we think that we should be happy all the time, that we shouldn’t feel bad!
So then, what is happening is that we are feeling bad about feeling bad!
So, don’t blame yourself for having this emotion of anger.
Befriend that emotion, know that you can allow it without becoming violent or having consequences!
Nothing has gone wrong, you’ll probably feel anger again one day but you’ll get amazing, better, and better at allowing it! 🙂
And this my friend, will be LIFE CHANGING!
There’s nothing wrong with anger!
There’s nothing wrong with you! 🙂
What are the three types of anger?
I remember receiving a question about types of anger, so I looked it up and found the three following types:
Passive Aggression
This is a “passive” form of anger because it may be used by people that don’t really like confrontation.
So, they won’t be mean directly to someone else, but will more do it in a way of not talking, being silent, making noises to show that they are angry, but not to confront their anger.
Open Aggression
This is the opposite, it’s someone that would use it to be actually verbally and physically violent. It can be through fighting, bullying… Any kinds of behaviors that are clearly stating that the person is angry!
Assertive Anger
This is the one that is interesting to us the most!
Because it’s about being angry, but having it under control.
It’s someone that will get mad but will be “talking and listening”, understanding the other’s point of view and adapt their reaction and behavior accordingly.
It’s really about someone that isn’t rejecting or confronting the anger they’re feeling, but they are accepting and understanding what is the positive intention of being angry.
Is anger a fear?
Anger can definitely be a form of fear!
It can be actually a way of self-defense.
There is a famous say in French that translated is “the best defense is an attack”.
So, anger can really be the form of a fear that can be the down part of the iceberg that I mentioned before.
For example, someone that is afraid of being left alone may express certain anger, because it’s the only way for this person to be heard and to make sure that they won’t be left alone!
The fear is being alone, the emotions felt might be loneliness and the way to express it would be using anger.
And again, it’s really okay to feel anger and to have fears!
The only question is always: what are you doing with it? What does it mean? What is the positive intention of those feelings?
How can I control my anger and emotions?
To make it a bit more clear, here are the steps you need to take to know how to control anger:
Step 1: control your anger at the moment
When you feel angry, have a look at the 10 tips that I share below to know how to control your anger at the moment you’re feeling it.
Step 2: understand the positive intention of the emotion you’re feeling
Simply accept the emotions you’re feeling. It’s okay, it’s not going to stay like this, just feel it like a vibration in your body, you don’t need to make it mean anything more than what it is, it’s just a sensation in your body.
At this moment, you don’t need to do anything, just to accept what’s going on without resisting it.
Step 3: understand the need that isn’t being fulfilled
Now that you took care of the urgency, ask yourself: Why do you feel this way? If you’re in a situation you don’t want to be in, what situation do you want instead?
If you had a magic stick, what would you make this situation look like?
Step 4: make a clear demand or do something about that need not being fulfilled
The moment you know what need isn’t being fulfilled, think about the best way for you to have this need met!
If you need someone else’s help, who can you ask?
What causes sudden anger outbursts?
We call “sudden anger outbursts”, a sudden release of strong emotion. The person can be very impulsive, throw a tantrum and react very aggressively to the situation.
It’s more common than we think it is and it isn’t easy at all for the person that suffers from it.
The problem is that it can really affect the relationships of this person because of their reactions at that moment.
What causes these anger outbursts are really a need that isn’t being fulfilled or met.
And one of the ways for this person to express this need not being met is by having this uncontrolled anger outbursts.
So, the first step is to take care of the impulsive reaction by using one of the 9 tips I shared above.
Then, the second step is to try to really understand what need isn’t being met and to be empathetic towards this violent emotion/reaction.
It’s not easy at all! If you feel this way, just so you know, you’re not alone in this! 🙁
It’s not easy for the surroundings of this person but also, it’s not easy at all for the one who is suffering from this impulsivity…
Your anger and your self-confidence
Again, it’s really okay to feel anger.
The thing that is important is to be more self-aware and to be more in control of our reactions to this anger.
The moment you will be more self-aware and in control, you will feel more confident being your true self.
Because you will know that even if you don’t have the perfect reactions in a moment or you may feel anger in that other moment, no matter what, you will always have your own back!
And that’s helping you in building your self-confidence: you know you’ll be okay, no matter what’s happening to you. You embrace this humanity of yours and you still trust yourself, because you are able to control your reactions and your behaviors.
You are not a victim! 🙂
To sum up!
As you can see, anger can be managed.
You can understand where it’s coming from, why you’re feeling this way and what to do about it.
I really want to insist on you understanding that it’s VERY OKAY that you feel anger.
It’s simply a sign of what’s going on inside of you! Just listen to what it’s trying to tell you!
What needs isn’t being fulfilled?
Instead of resisting this anger, embrace it, understand the positive intention of it!
I really hear you, I wish I didn’t have to deal with anger but, we are just humans, right? 🙂
Trying our best! 🙂
